Sports, STD's, and Hi Def Television

It has been awhile since I have touched on a sports related topic, and I feel it is my duty to change that. There hadn’t really been any significant occurrences other than Kenny Rogers slapping around the camera guy like a pimp does when one of his tricks makes eye contact. A lot of the media has stretched it into an ongoing saga, but I think what’s done is done. How many times have we seen a professional athlete go crazy and assault somebody? Maybe it’s just the Texas Rangers. Remember the infamous chair-throwing incident? I kept waiting for a cage to drop, and have the mascot take off his mask, and it’s really the Ultimate Warrior, and then have a huge melee ensue. I hate to go off topic, (no I don’t, I’m never on topic) but what happened to the Ultimate Warrior? That guy was my hero. Sure he wore extremely gay outfits, and had tight armbands to make his muscles look cut, which was clearly obvious to everyone watching, but the guy was a warrior of ultimate stature. Hence the name, Ultimate Warrior. I just googled him, and it turns out he is alive and well and making workout tapes or something called the warrior workout. At least he’s not doing a reality show, right?

It’s kind of nice to see some competitive baseball in the city again. The Astros have definitely turn things around from a nothing short of dismal start to the 2005 season. Baseball is a game of ups and downs. It doesn’t matter who the better team is, it matters who is playing the best at that particular moment. Maybe the worst has passed, and the Astros can make another spectacular run at the postseason. Going into today, they are 43-43, with a chance to go above .500 for the first time since April 21. If somebody told me when they were 15-30 with 5 road wins that they would have a chance to be over .500 at the all-star break, I would’ve made an ass out of myself by ridiculing and torturing the guy who said it. There is nothing worse than laying your rep on the line over a sports team. I am the master of this. After about 5 pitchers, and a few bull blasters, I decided to guarantee that the University of Houston basketball team will make the NCAA Tournament next March. This is documented in all of our cell phones. Needless to say I’ve been calling up Tom Penders to go over some changes in the offense. I also threatened his life, so I have to say I like my chances. Anyway, I was frustrated with the team, but I never packed it in. Fill in your own, “packed it in,” joke here. They have turned out to be a pretty exciting team to watch. It’s a different brand of baseball than what we are accustomed to here in the hottest city on earth. Manager Phil Garner is getting more and more aggressive on the bases, and is starting to see that small ball does win games. Take the Washington Nationals for example. They have actually been outscored by their opponents this year, and are near in the bottom in almost every major offensive category. The Nats are a league leading 24-8 in one run games. Even though the Astros’ offense has picked it up a little bit as of late; continuing to play small ball is going to pick up those wins that the team let slip away in the beginning of the year in all those close 12-5 games (yes, you did sense sarcasm). More important than all the uninteresting numbers of the game, I have started to get the Astro games in high definition. The clarity is amazing if you haven’t yet joined the 21st century, and purchased a high def television. You can see the crevasses on Ezekiel Astascio’s face a lot clearer now. Has anyone figured out what the hell that is? My guess is it’s an undiscovered STD that he picked up from some Central American prostitute while playing in the Guatemalan leagues. That’s just my guess though. We might see good ol’ Zeek sailing on a yacht for a Valtrex commercial in the near future. Don’t those commercials make Herpes seem so fun and enjoyable? I don’t get off my ass to ride my bike or go mountain climbing as it is. Having disgusting sores on my Johnson is supposed to make get out and have, “fun?” I guess you don’t know until you have herpes. I might need to add that to my to do list.

1. Have a threesome, check
2. Punch an American Gladiator in the face, check
3. Mow the lawn, check
4. Contract herpes and go sailing, complete by August!


I highly recommend getting high definition as soon as humanly possible. It makes the worst shows seem awesome. Just wait until you check out Hell’s Kitchen or Nanny 911 in high def, it’s amazing. I’m extremely hung over; I’ve lost the will to write. Good day.
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