Long Time, No See

I AM BACK! It was looking very grim for awhile, but once again I am victorious. I was receiving daily e-mails threatening to kill me if I didn't get the site back up. Some of my faithful readers found my secret underground blog. You have to be extremely sneaky to know about my blog. It's really nothing special. It's basically the same stuff, with a few extra posts. Maybe I'll link you guys to it some day, but for now it will remain a secret. It feels good to be back. I was going through serious withdrawals. I was drinking excessively, and eating way too many hotwings. Wait, that's what I normally do anyway. Nevermind, everything is fine. Carry on.

Seeing somebody get excessively booed at a baseball game is a wonderful occurrence. I've been feuding on and off with Carlos Beltran ever since he used the Astros to get more money elsewhere, and signed with the Mets for $117,000,000. He is definitely on my people I REALLY want to karate chop in the face list. It goes something like this.

1. Osama bin Laden
2. Carlos Beltran
3. Dakota Fanning

Every single time Beltran touched the ball, he was booed by 43,000 people. That must have made him feel pretty shitty. I remember one time I pegged this kid with a rotten apple in the cafeteria, and he dropped his tray thus sending the lunchroom into a unparalleled laughter. I honestly felt really bad about it. Really, it's more about me not getting killed by him than it is my conscious weighing down on me, but still I felt really bad. That really had nothing to do with Beltran, I just like to sneak in stories about me throwing rotten fruit at people. I've gotten pretty good at it. I once pegged a bum three consecutive times with grapefruit. I know you're thinking that I'm a heartless bastard, a good looking heartless bastard at that, but it was actually a philanthropic donation. He DID get three grapefruit to eat. I mean, what's better? Me zinging delicious fruit at his face, or me giving him a couple of bucks for a quick crack fix? Don't answer that. We've been over this. Most drugs are horrifying destructive things. Ever since that time in Guadalajara, Mexico in 1994 when I did way too much cocaine, and ended up betting my left leg on a dog fight, and then spent $250,000 on a large shipment of Chiclets, I have been against drugs. Needless to say I lost, and now have a bionic left leg, which is actually pretty awesome. I'm basically a cyborg, but a REALLY cool one. That's why I am a heavy advocate of the Just Say No to everything but pot foundation. We mainly teach kids that all drugs are terrible except of course pot. We're HUGE in Canada.

Don't you just love the ballpark? The crack of the bat, the smell of sweet nacho cheese, and the unmistakable stomach ache you get when you eat 4 hot dogs, and drink 17 beers. It's one of my favorite places. It's the only place you can verbally attack millionaires in public. I tried heckling people in River Oaks, but that just landed me a weekend stay in jail, and a badly bruised sternum. Do NOT mess with Miss McWilliams, who lives right off Kirby! She is a wizard with a broomstick, and does not take kindly to 20 something year old men calling her a scallywag. Such is life. I am very glad I have season tickets for the Astros. I am also responsible for their amazing turn around. They are 37-1 at games I attend. This means I should just go to all the important games, and they will ultimately win the World Series. They will appreciate me greatly, and give me my own uniform. Then they will realize that I am a great player, and sign me to a multi-year deal. I will then become the greatest player that ever lived, and maybe even win an ESPY. Sorry, I momentarily blacked out. What was I talking about? I've been getting these blackouts everyday since the Metro Rail ran over my foot a few weeks ago. I'm pretty sure I am in the last stages of death. What are you gonna do? Anyway, it's great to be back rambling about nothing. Thanks to all that stuck around. To the ones that left, I wish ill will upon you.