Texas Tech

Texas Tech emerged as a premier college football program on Saturday night with a victory against The University of Texas. Finally, someone has punched those hookah smoking, hippie elitists right in the mouth. Texas Tech University is a microcosm of normal society. It’s a place where sorority girls still get pregnant, drunkards skip class on a regular basis, and students actually live in filthy old rental houses like students are supposed to. I’ve made my hatred for all things Austin very clear over the years. Although, I’ve had many of friends that attended the University of Texas or lived in Austin at some point, I still can’t get on board with the city. Is it not a California city in the middle of Texas? There are more Yoga studios than Ford trucks, and thrift stores are more expensive than Macy’s. I know I’m upsetting a lot of readers by bashing Austin, but at least it’s not College Station.

I don’t want to take anything away from the Texas football team. Colt McCoy sure doesn’t let the fact that he looks like a product of incest affect his resiliency! I’m not sure if you may know this or not, but Jordan Shipley and Colt McCoy are roommates. I know it was news to me too! I think watching that tipped pass fall through the defenders arms like Billy Bob trying to run the oopty-oop in Varsity Blues makes that last play sting that much more. Michael Crabtree is a real-life cheap video game player. Only a few people over the years have received the coveted title of cheap video game player.
1. Bo Jackson- Tecmo Bowl
2. Lawrence Taylor- Tecmo Bowl
3. Brett Favre- Quarterback Club
4. Randy Moss- NFL 2K
5. Andre Johnson- NCAA ‘01
6. Eric Crouch- NCAA ‘01

Tech has the chance to remove any doubt from the public’s eye with their remaining schedule. I wish they would also remove that creepy bell guy that always looks like he’s masturbating. There is no need for that. So, cheers to my fellow Red Raiders, or anyone who has drunkenly swerved to avoid a tumbleweed. To the brave souls that 8 hours into the drive to Lubbock had to turn on talk radio just to hear someone else’s voice. To the people who never bought any new clothes, because South Plains Mall was just too damn far away. To bootlegging tickets for buying a keg on the strip. To the best shitty town in Texas!

Politico Schmitico

Who do you vote for if you hate both candidates? This is a very important question. One would think that picking the candidate that you hate more is the best route to take, but then you’re compromising yourself by settling. Politics are just not the same anymore. The excessive media attention shoves information down our throats like Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. It takes A LOT of work to decipher what’s true and what’s not. The average American is too lazy to look up voting records, or verify various allegations. Most people automatically side with their party, and steal ideas from their favorite cable news anchor. It really pisses me off. The most opinionated people are more times than not the most ignorant of them all. I apologize for writing far too many consecutive sentences without a decent joke. I didn’t have my daily dose of those delicious gummy apple o’s. They are magnificent! I love the premise of taking five pounds of pure sugar and subsequently dumping it on gummy candies. My reason for writing this blog was to basically make fun of Obama and McCain, not to write a thought provoking political piece about the liberal media’s influence and how it drastically affects voter opinions. Let’s all keep in mind that the author of this (Me) is currently wearing a RUN DMC shirt and backwards Phillies hat. I don’t know why that’s relevant. Okay, I just wanted to tell you what I was wearing. This may very well be the weirdest blog ever written. I take that back, I once wrote a mock interview of me on the Dr. Phil show.

Barack Obama, what a sly son of a bitch. He’s as smooth as Clinton, and almost as black. All political viewpoints aside; I hate this guy. I’ve wanted to punch many people in the face, but this guy takes the cake. My first problem is the phonetics of his name. Last time I checked, rock had an o. If I were his campaign manager, who I believe is Satan, I’d start every rally with The Rock’s entrance music, and have Barack walk through a plume of smoke yelling, “ AMERICA, DO YOU SMELL-AH WHAT BA-RACK-AH IS-AH COOOOOOKIN-AH?!” I’d at least pay attention. Every time I hear him speak, when he starts talking in circles I somehow always end up trying to guess where he bought his tie, or try to pick out which people in the crowd are high. Wow, it took four hundred words to get to my first liberal hippie joke. My biggest problem with Obama is not even his fault. I HATE the celebrity persona that’s been created. I want my president to be presidential! The last thing I want to see is a candidate doing a song with Rhianna and T.I. on TRL. There is something disconcerting about our President pulling up to a UN conference blaring,” 99 Problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

John McCain is a mean old bastard. I’m sure of this. I have never seen a faker smile in my life. It is abundantly clear that hundreds of expletives are streaming in his head when he gets that grin. I like to picture him sounding like Joe Pesci’s character in Home Alone. John, please cut out the maverick crap. Nobody likes a guy that calls himself a maverick. You can’t give yourself a nickname, that’s a man law. Besides, when I hear maverick all I can think about is the city of Dallas and Goose dying because Pete Mitchell lost control of his plane. Now, he’s started with this Joe Plumber nonsense. Why in the world would he pick a plumber to represent the average American small business? Every plumber I’ve seen smells like Matamoros, Mexico mixed with six cartons of Vantage Ultra Light 100’s. “Joe Plumber doesn’t want to be taxed.” Yeah, because he spends every dime he makes on Dobra vodka and squalid strippers.

I’m voting for Robocop in November. He doesn’t bullshit, and having Robocop give speeches from the Oval Office would scare the crap out of terrorists. That’s all for now, see you in the funny papers.

Communist Gynmastic Schools and Whatnot

I watched a fair share of the Olympics this weekend, and I came to a couple conclusions. 1. There is never a bad time to start up a USA chant. It's both hilarious and somehow awe-inspiring at the same time. 2. China is the scariest place on planet earth, aside from maybe a Scientology singles mixer. I always new Communism was a bad idea. Did you see the Chinese girl's gymnastics team? They all look six years old, and live and train at Chinese Death camps.

The Chinese Death camp is no picnic. Trust me, I know. I trained under the name Tao Jiun-Zougiu, which means "The Wingless Dragon." I have to say that child exploitation is not my favorite thing in the world. So much was made about Nike abusing children in their Asian shoe factories. Hey, at least they were making my Air Force Ones. That's productive. The Chinese Olympic Gymnastics team is put through unspeakable training routines at a young age, and their athletic career culminates with a brutal thrashing and a ticket to Shanghai to become the next Asian sex slave. I can see the look of despair on the girls' faces while they compete. They are so nervous and terrified of failure, they somehow forget that they can fly and float around magically. I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The Chinese can do some crazy stuff with their Oriental Black Magic.

Aside from the child abuse and overpopulation, do you know what scares me the most? These crazy looking stadiums and skyscrapers they're building. Who's their architect, Darth Vader? They have to be working with aliens. Who in their right mind would build a swimming facility out of bubble wrap? I bet there are Chinese products all over Ice Planet Hoth. F'n Communism. Okay, I'm through ranting. I'm going to drape myself in an American Flag and march through a Panda Garden. Peace.

Pole Carnies

What is the definition of a carney? Is it their smell of funnel cakes and cabbage? Could it be the lack of a physical address? These are all very important characteristics that make up the carney. Let me start by saying, I fucking hate carnies. I mean, they scare me. I couldn't possibly tell you when I last attended a carnival, but I'm positive there's a reason for that. As we get older, a lot is made of what our generation did as children compared to what kids do today. I distinctly remember going to multiple travling carnivals as a child. That is downright horrifying! I unknowingly got on roller coasters that were packed in a UHaul just hours before, and even worse, my parents allowed it. I'm wondering if it was just common for everyone to have a meth addiction in the 80's. I've compiled a list of traits that define what a carney is.

1. Smells like the trunk of a car filled with dead fish

2. Addicted to Meth

3. Downright filthy.

4. A dedication to swindling you out of money

5. mentally and physically challenged in some way

6. Nomadic. Not Hunter and Gatherer nomadic; more like get hopped up on Meth and wake up in a tunnel somewhere in Central America. (Writer's Note: I'm not positive tunnels have been invented in Central America.)

Now, with these characteristics I've listed, is it fair to say that strippers are carnies? Strippers are nothing but Pole Carnies. They fit the carney profile perfectly. So fellas, maybe think of that next time you feel like going to a strip club. You're essentially going to an establishment filled with nude carnies trying to take your money. Don't let the Pole Carney ruin your marriage or finances. This has been a P.S.A.