Politico Schmitico

Who do you vote for if you hate both candidates? This is a very important question. One would think that picking the candidate that you hate more is the best route to take, but then you’re compromising yourself by settling. Politics are just not the same anymore. The excessive media attention shoves information down our throats like Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. It takes A LOT of work to decipher what’s true and what’s not. The average American is too lazy to look up voting records, or verify various allegations. Most people automatically side with their party, and steal ideas from their favorite cable news anchor. It really pisses me off. The most opinionated people are more times than not the most ignorant of them all. I apologize for writing far too many consecutive sentences without a decent joke. I didn’t have my daily dose of those delicious gummy apple o’s. They are magnificent! I love the premise of taking five pounds of pure sugar and subsequently dumping it on gummy candies. My reason for writing this blog was to basically make fun of Obama and McCain, not to write a thought provoking political piece about the liberal media’s influence and how it drastically affects voter opinions. Let’s all keep in mind that the author of this (Me) is currently wearing a RUN DMC shirt and backwards Phillies hat. I don’t know why that’s relevant. Okay, I just wanted to tell you what I was wearing. This may very well be the weirdest blog ever written. I take that back, I once wrote a mock interview of me on the Dr. Phil show.

Barack Obama, what a sly son of a bitch. He’s as smooth as Clinton, and almost as black. All political viewpoints aside; I hate this guy. I’ve wanted to punch many people in the face, but this guy takes the cake. My first problem is the phonetics of his name. Last time I checked, rock had an o. If I were his campaign manager, who I believe is Satan, I’d start every rally with The Rock’s entrance music, and have Barack walk through a plume of smoke yelling, “ AMERICA, DO YOU SMELL-AH WHAT BA-RACK-AH IS-AH COOOOOOKIN-AH?!” I’d at least pay attention. Every time I hear him speak, when he starts talking in circles I somehow always end up trying to guess where he bought his tie, or try to pick out which people in the crowd are high. Wow, it took four hundred words to get to my first liberal hippie joke. My biggest problem with Obama is not even his fault. I HATE the celebrity persona that’s been created. I want my president to be presidential! The last thing I want to see is a candidate doing a song with Rhianna and T.I. on TRL. There is something disconcerting about our President pulling up to a UN conference blaring,” 99 Problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

John McCain is a mean old bastard. I’m sure of this. I have never seen a faker smile in my life. It is abundantly clear that hundreds of expletives are streaming in his head when he gets that grin. I like to picture him sounding like Joe Pesci’s character in Home Alone. John, please cut out the maverick crap. Nobody likes a guy that calls himself a maverick. You can’t give yourself a nickname, that’s a man law. Besides, when I hear maverick all I can think about is the city of Dallas and Goose dying because Pete Mitchell lost control of his plane. Now, he’s started with this Joe Plumber nonsense. Why in the world would he pick a plumber to represent the average American small business? Every plumber I’ve seen smells like Matamoros, Mexico mixed with six cartons of Vantage Ultra Light 100’s. “Joe Plumber doesn’t want to be taxed.” Yeah, because he spends every dime he makes on Dobra vodka and squalid strippers.

I’m voting for Robocop in November. He doesn’t bullshit, and having Robocop give speeches from the Oval Office would scare the crap out of terrorists. That’s all for now, see you in the funny papers.