Facebook, You Unfunny Assholes

What does it take to be a comedian? I don’t know. Ask someone else. Wait, don’t go! I’ll talk! What does it take, huh? Balls for starters. You need a solid pair, too. Not those strange Asian balls that look like a partially deflated balloon. I don’t mean balls in the sense that it’s a daunting task to get up on stage and try to make people laugh. I guess I mean the wherewithal to take chances regardless of what the outcome or backlash will be. I say stupid shit every day. Like, A LOT. Whether it’s on Twitter, a Facebook status, or to the Serbian clerk at Valero that calls me “G” (I love that guy). I tirelessly output the constant thoughts that pop in my head. Not for your approval, or to even make people laugh. I HAVE to. It’s a sickness. Seriously. It’s a real disease with doctors, and shit (*Honks Doc’s Patch Adams nose*).


I definitely can’t teach you how to be funny. Believe me, I wish I could. Between your awful memes and your ill-advised LMFAO’s; I honestly want to bathe myself in kerosene and listen to Ke$ha on repeat, but definitely NOT masturbate. Definitely not that. Where was I going with this? Oh, never mind. I’ve actually studied what makes people laugh, and I’m not too pleased with the results. People have gotten lazy with their humor, much like everything else in society. Nobody wants to think. I’m not by any stretch saying that my humor is highbrow. I’ll make a dick joke faster than you can say Uncle Sheldon, so don’t test me. I bet if I made a meme with that retarded hump day camel, and just wrote “Laugh at This;” people would like it. I refuse to write for the masses. I would rather have four quality laughs from people that appreciate it, than 100 from people who only post about cross-fit that wouldn’t know a good joke if it, too, gave them a free t-shirt. So, what am I saying? I don’t fucking know. I wanted to write a sanctimonious blog post. I started out writing about the inner workings of being a comedian, and have ended up yelling at people on Facebook for being a bunch of unfunny assholes. Sorry, pops (I’m calling everyone pops lately). Quick, you better get back to Paleo recipes, and baby pics!