Dear Patty

I am here to make a huge announcement about the website. Okay, so it’s really not that big of a deal, but I sure as hell got your attention. I am starting an advice section on the site. I think I can really help some people out with their life problems. Seriously, I am a self-proclaimed master of everything. I think I could cover a wide array of subject matter, and maybe even change someone’s life. It could also backfire on me, and I could end up driving hordes of people to suicide, but let’s hope that doesn’t happen. I don’t want to have to deal with the backlash from people’s family. “Why on earth would you tell my son that his life is over and that he’s better off hanging himself with bed linens because he lost thousands of dollars from gambling?” So one kid took my advice and attempted suicide with bed linens. Big deal. What about the rest of the fortunate souls that I’ve guided to success? I received this e-mail recently from Dan in Springfield, Illinois. Here is his e-mail.


Pat,

I’ve been reading your website for quite sometime now. I have a theory that I’ve been pondering, and I wanted to see what you thought about it. Do you think you could apply the same kind of odds to women that Vegas uses for sports gambling? I think this could be a breakthrough in the dating world.


Dan Springfield, IL


I think you have brought up an interesting point. There are a lot of factors that go into devising the odds of a game. There would have to be generalized characteristics that go into each possible candidate. We would also have to have some sort of general traits for the male as well, because the fatter and geekier you get, the more the odds are going to increase. To make this simpler, let’s base all odds on the average guy. He’s not devastatingly handsome like myself, but he’s decent looking. If all odds are based on the average guy, then we can fluctuate the odds higher to fit the less fortunate, or lower for the blessed like myself.


Now, we must come up with traits that factor into the odds making. We will come up with five different scores that add up to the overall availability factor. This is going to be very difficult to do since there are so many other things that play a role in a women’s thought process. Men are from Mars; women are from Hades, right? I mean Venus. For example, you must take in consideration alcohol intake, overall drunkenness, and how often she goes out and parties. High numbers on these factors could definitely raise the slut factor, which is a very important number in the overall availability of a woman. Obviously, the sluttier, the better the chances are of hooking up. That of course is assuming that you want somebody slutty. This is way too damn difficult. It is impossible to come up with generalizations. There are way too many factors that would change the odds.


Let’s take a 23-year-old model looking girl for example. The five most important factors are age, overall looks, slut factor, level of intoxication, and how cool the guy is. Each trait gets a score of 1 to 10, except for age. That number is added to the rest of the scores. For overall looks, 10 would be the hottest woman in the world, and 1 of course would be Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own. The slut factor would have ten being Paris Hiltonesque, and one would be the non- slutty preachers daughter. I had to specify non-slutty because we all know that every preacher with girls has one daughter who epitomizes filthy slut, and then one daughter who can do no wrong. The level of intoxication goes from one being the soberest of sober to ten being Nick Nolte’s mug shot. The cool factor plays a very important role in the odds making. This number could potentially swing the odds into your favor, or it can leave you alone with a half eaten bag of gummy worms, masturbating to old episodes of La Femme Nikita.


Let’s take you Dan since you opened this discussion. Since you thought to come up with the odds, I can only assume that you hardly ever get laid. Also, since you took the time to e-mail some hand job with a website like myself; I have to say you’re definitely not very cool. You’re from Springfield, Illinois, so you are most likely very pasty and talk like the guys from Super Fans. Now that I’ve belittled what confidence you may or may not have had before writing me, we must look at the potential hook up. Or in your case, the girl you have no chance with.

Age: 23

Overall Looks: 8, she is not the hottest girl ever, but she is definitely popular at the bar.

Slut Factor: 7, she is dressed very provocatively, and has more cleavage than a sedimentary rock. There is no real evidence that she is in fact a slut. I always say if they dress like a slut, then more often then not they are probably a little whorish. Very rarely do you get maced, or kicked in the groin because you made sexual advances to an unwilling female.

Level of Intoxication: 8, she hasn’t paid for a drink all night because assholes like Dan keep trying to pick her up, and buy her drinks. So by now, she is extremely trashed. This could go one of two ways. It could either improve Dan’s chances because she is now trashed and that always makes them a little bit hornier than usual. Or, it could backfire and she could call Dan out, and then Dan gets his ass beat by a big blonde guy named Stew that desperately wants to be the hot drunk chick’s knight in shining armor.

Dan’s cool factor: 6, he is not so nerdy that he can perfectly impersonate that little green creature from Lord of The Rings, but he’s definitely no Dylan McKay. Let’s be nice, and say Dan has a little game, and can talk a little bit. That would leave him slightly above average. Plus, the bar is dark, so his pasty skin doesn’t play an important role.It is now time to come up with the overall score.


The total score for this potential hookup is 51. Do you know what that means? Me neither, I was hoping I would get an e-mail from some math whiz to help me out. Okay, I’ll be honest here, I was kind of winging this one, and really I had no idea where this was going. I like the scores though. Like I said before, there is no way to come up with a set formula. There are just too many underlying factors. I secretly hoped that my system would just magically work, and then I would go on Oprah and sell millions of copies of my book like that knob job that wrote, He’s Just Not That In To You. I see my ideal plan won’t exactly materialize the way I had hoped, but that’s okay. I feel like I’m on to something. Sorry Dan, I’m going to take your idea, and make millions off it. If only I had the math skills of a young Will Hunting. I would come up with the most innovative dating formula known to man.

Dear Pat,

I see you have not been enlightening us with your wonderful handicapping picks. What gives? You all of a sudden get a lot of readers and think you’re too good to do what got your site off the ground? If it weren’t for us gamblers, your site would’ve crumbled. Now you’re a “celebrity,” and you won’t even give us degenerate gamblers the light of day. You know what I think? Screw you, and your crappy site. I’m going to start my own site, and it’s going to be so much better than yours. My site is going to be updated on time, and actually have some content. I won’t put lyrics to some Latin love song just because I don’t feel like writing. I even emailed you one time, and you never responded. I hope you fail miserably at whatever it is you’re trying to do. Go to hell.

Your Number 1 Enemy,

Sam


That is freaking sweet! I have dreamed of the day my arch nemesis would emerge. I have tried and tried to provoke people into becoming my arch nemesis. Until now, all of those efforts had fallen short. Also, are you sure your name isn’t Stan? You sound a lot like that guy from the Eminem song. I love people who take the time to write hate mail. You have to really hate somebody to make the extra effort to write and let them know your feelings. I feel very fortunate to have such a thoughtful arch nemesis. When you get your super site up Sam, would you please e-mail me the link? I would love to chronicle the path to failure that your site will surely take. If you would’ve waited one day, you impatient son of a bitch, you would have learned that I will be bringing back the Picks section for the upcoming football season, but now I’m just going to e-mail everybody but you my picks. It’s going to be a lot like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where everyone knew the golf tip from the weatherman, except for Larry, and nobody would tell him. You will never get a pick from me. Did you see my records? I’m sure I have won you money sometime or another. The least you can do is show me some damn respect. Since you’re my arch nemesis, I will stop at nothing to bring you down. That includes putting pictures of you tugging at your tiny kitten-penis in the ladies locker room at the local municipal golf course. Didn’t think anybody knew about that did you Sammy? Let me give you some advice, since this is an advice column. Go to your garage, get a hose and connect it from the exhaust pipe to the inside of your driver side window. Get in the car, and start it. Make sure your garage door is shut. Sit in your car until you pass out, and by pass out I actually mean pass away.


I have already helped two people realize their hopes and dreams. How many more could be in my future? I’m like Dr. Phil, except that I have hair, I don’t have a mustache, and I’m nothing at all like Dr. Phil. One thing that I find kind of strange is that people actually e-mail me asking for my advice on stuff. Why in the hell would you e-mail some random guy with a website, and ask important questions? If I e-mailed all the websites I read for advice, I would probably end up with mutilated genitals, and a coupon to Marble Slab. Maybe I’m not the best guy to ask for advice. So far, I’ve destroyed a guy’s self esteem. He will probably end up giving blowjobs at rest stops for the rest of his life just to hear some form of flattery. I don’t want to even touch on the people I’ve nudged towards suicide. When I said touch on people, that was in no way a reference to necrophilia, and the actions that accompany it. I’ve written 2,000 words too many. Good day.