I Want to Die

DUDE, I am NEVER drinking again. I know, I know, you hear it all the time, but this time I’m serious. I know, I know. I always say that too. Cut me some slack here, I drank like an East German glass blower last night. I always tell myself that I’m going to just go to happy hour, and catch the game with the boys, and then it ends up being 3:45 a.m. and I am on top of a car 40 miles outside the city throwing racquetballs at farm animals. I’d like to take some time out to thank my friends for covering my tab last night. I lost all of my money in a brutal game of Stratego the night before, and they sympathized and picked me up. Thanks guys. Thank you for this ungodly headache, and a stomach like the kids in The Sandlot at the carnival. How in the name of Billy Ripken am I supposed to work today? I mean, my God. If one person says ANYTHING about going to a happy hour, I will literally slap somebody with a raw fish. In fact, writing this is making feel even shoddier. Alcohol is poison I tell you. Please do not call me a hypocrite at 7:30pm when I am about to take a jager bomb. It’s a vicious cycle, this life of booze. I still haven’t removed my sunglasses, and I believe it’s almost noon. If you think you’re getting a long post today, you are sadly mistaken. I have no idea why I am doing this. Ah, that’s right, to become rich and famous doing the minimal amount of work. Good news, if you Google Pat McLellan flaming homosexual, my site pops up number one. That explains everything. That’s why I received an e-mail from some dude named Eric saying he wanted to kiss my ear at 5:00 a.m. I of course immediately sent a virus to his e-mail, and told him I would step on his foot with a pogo stick. Listen, I DON’T like gay people, homeless, or rabbits. Everybody knows this. Stop hitting on me in e-mails! I really don’t want to have to resort to hate crimes, but if I have to I will. It IS Friday, so there is a ray of hope in this otherwise hellish day. I should be carrying around a scythe, because I totally look like the grim reaper today. I think I saw the Reaper out on my way home last night. I was THAT trashed, so I guess he figured the odds were I would crash into something and kill myself. Better luck next time Reap. Fuck, I’ve had enough. Have a glorious weekend.