Bad Writing, Dating, and My Book

This is going to be the worst thing I have ever written. I just want to make sure you know this before you carry on reading. I am actually sleeping as I type, which happens to be a talent I picked up my freshmen year of college. I am having one of those days where I can’t think, which ultimately translates to horrific and unentertaining writing. I’ve tried everything; I mean EVERYTHING to get it together this morning, but no luck so far. I’m currently downing my second twenty-ounce Mountain Dew, which usually acts like cocaine to me, but it too has failed. I have received numerous e-mails asking me to write something productive, like a dating column. I mean, me writing a dating column? That’s like Brittany Spears writing a book on manners. Although, I do have extensive experience in the dating world, and happen to be the greatest lover known to man, I do not wish to reveal my secrets. Besides, it would be pretty impossible for the average man to keep up with my complicated approach to women. This is nothing new. Women are fucking confusing. They make mindless simplistic actions extremely complicated, and I don’t know why. Every guy says they just want a dumb blonde with nice cans, and everything would perfect. That is the most moronic thing I have ever heard. There is nothing sexier than intelligence, and wit. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a dumb blonde with nice cans is bad. I’m just saying that life would be far from perfect. If I can’t hold a decent conversation with someone, then regardless of how they look, I am slapping them in the face and calling a cab. I can hear the e-mails coming in as we speak, “dude, why aren’t you writing about drinking 7 liters of vodka, and lighting a chicken coop on fire?” The answer is quite simple. I have somehow ended up with way more female readers than male. Do not ask me how this happened. I would’ve thought my misogynist viewpoints, and tales of prostitution rings would’ve caused me to have no female readers, and really I thought I would have at least a restraining order or two. So basically, what’s happening here is I am trying to please the majority of my readers. Trust me when I tell you men, that this will NEVER become some Carrie Bradshaw-esque advice column. I will mention the three most important things as often as possible. These three things are sports, alcohol, and overall debauchery.

A female cohort of mine brought up a very interesting unfortunate occurrence in today’s dating world. She called it,” getting trumped.” This is when you are about to dump someone, but they end up beating you to it, and dump you first. First of all, this is very important. The person who initiates the break up automatically has the upper hand in the future. For example, when someone asks them what happened to (Enter Name Here), they can answer with comments like, “I threw that filthy skank to the curb, or I told him he had a package the size of a kittens then dumped him.” Losing the upper hand can hurt your reputation tremendously. Regardless if you had already made the decision to get out of the relationship, the fact that they said it first gives them the right to refer to you slanderously in the future. My advice is to not let the relationship linger at all. Waiting a few days to break the news will possibly get you,”trumped.” For those of you wondering if this will be in my upcoming book that I have yet to start writing, the answer is yes. My initial plan was to just copy and paste from all my posts, and turn it into the best book ever written, but it turns out that probably won’t work out too well. I really want to write a book, but I have a problem with staying on topic, and also eating way too many homemade nachos. As you can see, my expertise in dating should not go to waste. Would you guys buy my book? If everyone that reads this site bought a book, I would be on the bestseller’s list. I’m fairly sure I could swindle thousands more on my promotional radio tour with my unmatched wit and boyish good looks. At the same time, I don’t even have a concept for a book, so a promotional radio tour is out of the question. I have an excellent plan to trick the American public. I will entitle my book, “How to Lose Weight, and Get Filthy Rich All While Watching Reality Television.” Then, when they buy the book, it’s all stories of me drinking too much Wild Turkey, and subsequently throwing inanimate objects off my roof at joggers, or are they called yoggers?

For the record, it is 3:53 and I have yet to eat anything. I haven’t been this hungry since I starved myself for a week before auditioning to be on Survivor. I really just wanted to get one of those cool bandana things, then I found out I could order them online, and quit my audition. I wore it around for a day, then I got hit in the face with a broom for looking, “gay,” and that was the end of it. I told you this was going to be a terrible post. If I wasn’t already a popular Internet writer, this would single handedly crash my website. I apologize for the terrible writing. I promise I’ll step my game up next time. I’m actually lying. The next one will most likely be as crappy if not crappier than this one. Have a great day.