E-mail Time!!

It is ridiculously hot today. I mean, my God. I can handle heat fairly well, but this…this is just not right. It has to be around 237 degrees or so. If I wanted to burn to death, I would pour gasoline on a slip-n’-slide, and play for a while, then proceed to light myself on fire. I don’t need to look like a creepy, sweaty guy, everywhere I go. I thought I got my sweating problem under control. Nope, I still sweat like an Arabian bartender. I have to lean forward when I drive so that my back makes no contact with the seat. This is to prevent the unmistakable, “ sweat mark,” on the back of the shirt. Okay, ladies, you are not going to like this. If you do indeed like this, you are either a hardcore lesbian, or the coolest girl of all time. My important fantasy football draft is this evening, and I have spent all week prepping. It is very hard for a woman to understand how important fantasy sports are to men. I would easily stab someone for making an illegal waiver move. That’s just how it is. I have been a perennial powerhouse in most of my leagues. The only league I have not won is the one I HAVE to win. This league is comprised of the best of the best. Essentially, it’s the Top Gun of fantasy football, and I’m Merlin. Good, but not good enough. Ladies, luck is on your side today. I was just about to start listing my sleeper players, and draft projections, when I received about thirty e-mails that have to be responded to. I will give you a recap of tonight’s draft tomorrow (Best Bet: Friday).

Pat,

Who wins in a fight, Mike Ditka, or Dustin Diamond?

Steve- Manhattan, Kansas


Um, I’m going to go with Ditka on that one. It may be close, but Ditka will ultimately prevail. Dustin Diamond…why am I even acknowledging this question? I love you guys. Not one of you is sober.


Yo,

You rule.

Anonymous (Luke Dennison)


Dude, don’t send an anonymous e-mail if your name comes up when you send it. How are you going to sign it anonymous when it says Luke Dennison as the sender? Seriously, what kind of illegal substances are you people on? I may drink like a Pirate with Black plague, but this is unacceptable. I like insightful, thought provoking e-mails. I like comments on current events, and funny things. You rule just won’t cut it with me. Step it up, or face the penalty of three straight weeks of copied and pasted articled from Good Housekeeping. Don’t think for a second that I’m kidding.


Pat,

What’s happening to your Stros man? They are going to choke, and you will be subject to lots of ridicule. Your guys can’t score any runs for Rocket, and are just a bad team. Stop pumping up the Astros, and admit they are not good.


Rex – Milwaukee, WS


WHAT? Number one, your name is Rex. That alone discredits anything you say, whether it is true or not. Secondly, you are from fucking MILWAUKEE. Aside from Kansas City, you could’ve been from any city in the country, and I would not have worried about it, but no. You live in the worst baseball city in the United States, and you have the audacity to take a shot at a team that is half a game out of a playoff spot? Did you people take your crazy pills today? I should’ve just written the fantasy football piece. This is a joke. I have tons of readers, and only the crazies take the time to e-mail me. I am very close to quitting. One more bad question, and I might actually stab someone with a stick of White Out. I am through with the fun and games. Hold on, I need a shot of rubbing alcohol…okay, let’s move along.


Pat,

Your website is amazing. I wish you wrote more, because I laugh out loud all the time. My question is; what did the homeless do to cause you to turn against them?


Kimberly-San Marcos, TX


Ahhhhh, sweet Kimberly, you have no idea what a relief it is to see a regular e-mail, and not something drug induced. I’ve explained this before, but since I am in no mood for buffoonery, I will gladly answer your inquiry. The homeless are filthy, and lazy carnies as far as I’m concerned. There are shelters, and homes where they can be cleaned, and get a decent meal, yet some choose to stand in their filth, and solicit people like me for alcohol, and drug money. This has always bothered me. Instead of accidentally pissing on my front tire, and getting drool on my windshield, I’d be happier if they left me alone, and got help at a shelter. I can’t drive anywhere in this city without having to roll up my window, or throw a sharp object at someone at a stoplight, and I am sick and tired of it. I have nothing but respect for the ones who try to get their lives back together, but the ones who sit around in dirt, and ask me for money will ALWAYS get a grapefruit thrown at their facial region. Thanks for the kind words Kimberly, I will do my best to try to write more (Big lie).


Pat,

Who are your picks to win each division in the NFL? Also, who do you pick to win the Super Bowl so I can bet my entire savings account on them?

Roger-Venice Beach, CA


Rodge, can I call you Rodge? You are jumping the gun on my predictions. I NEVER release them before my NFL preview column, but this time, I will make an exception. Let’s see here, I’ll start with the NFC.
East- Philadelphia
North- Minnesota
South- Carolina
West- Seattle

AFC
East- New England
North- Baltimore
South- Houston (go ahead, laugh it up)
West- Kansas City

As for a Super Bowl pick, I’m going to go with New England. I don’t see any reason not to pick the defending champs, except for the fact that the odds are against them. I will continue to bet on New England until they give me a reason not to. If I had picked Seattle to win it all, would you have put all your money on them? If so, that would’ve been really funny. Please don’t kill me. That is enough for now. Maybe I will answer a few more tomorrow (Seriously, who am I kidding).