Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Soliciting E-Mail

Dear Houda Orenstein,

I'm not sure if you know who I am, or not, but you wrote me a nice little message earlier regarding savings on Cialis and Viagra. I'm Pat McLellan, you know, the writer? I can't help but wonder why it is you chose me to send this to. What are you trying to say? It's actually quite presumptuous of you to assume that I am in some need of performance enhancing narcotics. Let's be real, you know very well that I don't need Cialis, and that I'm really not that interested in attaining a 4-hour long erection, which would subsequently leave me embarassed in an emergency room, freaking out the parents of the kid that broke his arm skateboarding.

I don't know you, Houda. You may be quite a philanthropist, but I must say this letter makes you come off like a real son of a bitch. It would be one thing to maybe include some drugs that I might actually need, like Nexium, or morphine, but E.D. pills? You may as well have sent menopause meds. I found your message very offensive, and I will be reporting this to your superiors ( al-Qaeda). I will not allow you to solicit me, offend me, and contribute to terrorism all in one fell swoop. Not in my country, slum dog. As I write, I'm getting slightly more perturbed by your arrogance. You don't even know me, and you have the audacity to write me a letter trying to "hook me up," with boner pills? I can understand sending this to your crew, or whatever, but not people you don't even know. I mean, I forward penis enlargement e-mails to my friend, Rob, pretty much every day. I'm just looking out for his best interest. Are you looking out for my best interest, Houda? You prick. What kind of name is Houda Orenstein, anyway? Were you the love chiild of a Nazi and Princess Jasmin from Alladin? Did your friends ever go, "Houda man? Youda man!!" I sure as hell would have.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I DO know that I don't like your approach, or your attitude for that matter. You have a disingenuious quality that I only find in fake watch merchants. You better watch your ass, Houda. I'm sure I'm not the only one upset by your terrorist antics. Why can't you get into illegal arms dealing like the rest of the turban warriors? You make me sick. I hope you get savagely raped by a Panda.



Best Wishes,

Pat McLellan, Astronaut

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