Hello, I didn't see you sitting there. In fact, you kind of startled me, like when the ice maker makes a new batch of ice, and the noise from the ice dropping is all but guaranteed to be a flesh eating monster from the Andromeda Galaxy. Anyways. I'm very excited to return to "blogging." There was a day where I had loyal readers and e-mailers and even some pub. My quasi-famous writer status went straight to my head, and I ended up losing a book deal in a vicious game of Jenga. I've been wasting my comedy brilliance for a couple of years. I used to write down my good jokes, and save them for my thriving blog. Now, I just seem to zing them out left and right like Shia Lebouf in Indiana Jones (I really miss the Asian kid). Before I delve into my thoughts, I'd like to let it be known that I have quit and returned to writing at least seven or eight different times, each with a different excuse that had nothing to do with the fact that I was just lazy. I'm going to try a lot harder to sustain this blog. That is my oath.
Things I'm Not Fond of Today
1. Heat- What the fuck, Sun? Would you stop making love to Humidity? It seriously feels like a vagina outside. Excuse me while I dry heave. It's so bad that my eyes even fog up when I step outside. At least the desert has mirages and camels. We get diseased wild dogs, and smellier bums.
2. Advil- Do your bleeping job! Your one purpose on this earth is to relieve my headache. So...what's the deal? Are you having problems at home? Are gas prices affecting your chemical make up? It's laziness isn't it? That's okay, Advil. I have a mistress named Aleeve, and I only need one of her.
3. Bicycle Seats- ?!?!? I'm convinced bicycle seats were invented by the Russians during The Cold War to cause Anal Fissures on bike riding Americans. So, like most evil things, Communism is once again at fault.
That's all that is really bothering me at the moment. I'm sure there will be something else added as the day progresses. Comeuppance!!
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