Best of Tweets Part 1

A lot of my blog readers don’t follow me on twitter, and for good reason I might add. I thought I’d give you guys a glimpse into the atrocity that is my twitter account. Prepare yourself for a lot of shaking your head in disappointment and disgust. Oh, and this is like a 15 part series. It’s like The Lonesome Dove of bad comedy. Please direct your hate mail to Obama44@us.gov


• I drank about 3 bottles of red wine last night. Aside from my A-Rod-esque purple lip, I can't think of a good reason not to do it again.
• Watching Celebrity Wife Swap and questioning my sexuality. Typical Tuesday.
• I just don't have it today. By it, I mean my flask
• Is bulge essentially wiener cleavage?
• I just casually called a black guy "dog" in a conversation. I hate myself.
• So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
• A guy just asked me where the closest Wal-Mart was, and I replied, "I don't know, I'm neither fat nor foreign."
• Dear Black Guy with the license plate, "LAWLESS," You're not making it any easier on yourself. Might as well make it PULLOVR.
• If Budweiser is inherently American, why does a brown paper bag make it so Mexican?
• Fighting a black guy at night is like fighting Predator.
• The day is always better when it starts with a blow job, so I better get back under the bridge.
• Hello booze. What do you say we team up and hopefully wake up naked and bruised in a ditch in Lima, Peru?
• I'm looking for one of those basketball leg sleeves for my wiener.
• Margarita and put it where you want night! Much better than Dorito stained shirt/American Idol night!
• I'm so confused today. I've realized I hate white people too.
• Who wants to go round up some stray dogs and let them loose in a Whole Foods?
• What does it mean if your piss is light blue?
• I'm glad I don't have anyone checking my search history at the office. I'm not sure what they'd make of "dragon rape," and "dick denim."
• I imagine being stuck in traffic is a lot like getting a hand job from a wolverine. Not The Wolverine, that'd be amazing.
• I thought Google+ was a search engine for fat people.
• Being a writer isn't as romantic as people think. I have my hand in my pants and a bag of skittles in the other. Ahh, brainstorming.
• Who wants to come help me write my book? This means drinking 'til we're speaking Gaelic and watching Lethal Weapon 4 in Spanish.
• Oh hi heartbreak! Nice to see you again. I pick girls about as good as I do horse races. Gratuitous beejer anyone?
• I'm miserable, so I'm gonna make you all miserable. That being said, I made everybody shrimp brochettes
• I'm having severe hand pain. This better not be ANOTHER Stigmata.
• Easy with the judgment, Target lady! Tissues, gummy bears, lube, and US Weekly are normal. NORMAL!
• I think if Obama announces the grand opening of Jurassic Park, he'll get a pass with most Americans.
• Severe thunderstorms all day! Now I can turn off my noise machine while I masturbate!
• Is it a prerequisite as a sign twirler to dress exactly like Jesse Pinkman?
• Whenever I cut somebody off in traffic and they give me the finger, I throw up the roc.
• It's pouring! I bet it's like a hobo locker room out there!
• I've been on Rumspringa for about 12 years
• Who wants to be my Valentine...s day massacre?
• Turn down my Jay-Z? OH! You meant beat you mercilessly with my car phone charger! Gotcha.
• This day keeps getting shittier. I had to talk to a guy named Diego for 5 minutes while keeping a straight face.
• It's 4 p.m. I must be drinking- Washed up Rob Thomas
• What a pretty day to drink like a grown up orphan and pass out under an overpass!
• Is there a manly way to apply chapstick?
• I hate it when you put on Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby on repeat and drink until you wake up in a Juarez jail.
• God, I hope I don't have to throw up my solja rag today!
• Do bum's float? I've wanted a hoboat for years now.
• I'm sorry! I should NOT have called those two fat friends, "diabesties."
• I haven't been around this many horny people since yesterday at Discount Tire.
• In case you're wondering Big Leagues, I've got my at-bat music all picked out, so let me know where to send it!
• The only thing your new Audi says is, "I probably call my white friends my ninjas."
Good day, kind folks.