F'n Ferries

I was taken on an adventure yesterday by a crazy woman against my will. So, my mom had this glorious idea to take a day trip with my daughters to Galveston to let them ride the ferry for the first time. I can’t emphasize enough how special it is to share this special memory with them. Everyone remembers their first ferry ride, right? I knew right off the bat this was going to be a very anticlimactic moment for my girls. There is absolutely nothing fun or interesting about being on a ferry; unless you happen to be gay (HEYOOO)! My Mom was hyping it all week like we were going on the fucking Red October. My girls are thinking they’re going to this amazing place where you can drive on a boat and then get out of the car and see wonders of God’s creation. I tried my best to keep their excitement built up, but that was honestly just to hold that over their heads so they wouldn’t act shitty. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that we were just going to shitty old Galveston and the boat we were getting on was taking us to ground zero of hurricane devastation.

My mom grew up in Galveston so she has this distorted view of the city similar to Tracy Morgan’s view of the world. She sees a glorious town of prosper and southern gentility, and I see New Orleans’ estranged cousin, The Wire and a hint of VD. She’s showing the girls The Bishop’s Palace and across the street is a dirty old drifter with a sign that said, “Heading to Space, really need a lift.” That’s kind of a paraphrase; we all know that bastard doesn’t use commas. Actually, maybe my mom was using classic misdirection like Gob on Arrested Development. The point is there is no possible way one can drive down Broadway, and not feel like they need to bathe in bleach like Troy on Swamp People. I understand the history of Galveston. I’m sure it was once a lovely place before other races of people were allowed on the island. It was probably like Augusta National before Tiger Woods became a member. I don’t care if it’s Paris; a few hurricanes are going to switch up the view a bit! I hear Sodom was lovely before God rained down the fire and whatnot!

We drive on to the ferry somehow keeping my girls captivated, and reality hit like a prank call from The Jerky Boys. I have never seen so many fat people or birds in one place in my life. Granted, I find a little fat Mexican boy with C cups throwing bread at a thousand seagulls while his 4’2” mother tries to film it on her phone hilarious! We left the dock, and no more than thirty seconds they already wanted to play Cut the Rope on my iPhone. Great idea, Gammy! Please be sure to point out the 786 pound man in a wet Hard Rock Café t-shirt that’s talking about crab fishing. Oh, and don’t forget the sea sick Korean slumped over on the boat’s stairs praying to whatever weird Asian God he prefers! Guess what? We get to turn around and ride this shitty boat again! Literally, the highlight of the trip for them was how weird pelicans look and the waffle cone they had at lunch. I’m boycotting all of my mom’s “fun” ideas from here on out. I love her to death, but my God can she veer off into the crazy lane! Have a great weekend, people.