So, you want to survive the hurricane season, huh? Well, I do, too. I’ve created a guide that is essentially fool proof. You may be asking yourself, what does this poultry dick know about storms? The truth is; I have purchased every one of Dr. Neil Frank's tracking charts since 1993. That pretty much makes me an expert, so shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you. There are many things you need in order to live comfortably while Hell's fury tears through your town like a demon cobra.
1. Booze, lots and lots of booze. Not only can you drink like George Lopez on Cinco de Mayo; if a looter tries anything crazy, you can light the bottles on fire and burn them to death. Or, if you have annoying relatives in town, you can also burn them. I'm not saying...I'm just saying.
2. Weaponry. When there is no longer any order in your respective dump of a town, you will need lots of ammo, along with many improvised explosive devices. I would suggest befriending an Arab or something. He could help you make lots of homemade bombs AND add a Middle Eastern kick to your stir fry.
3. Hookers. If you cant round any up, then really cheap strippers will suffice. Death storm, or not; we all have needs. Nothing relieves tension like paid-for sex. Trust me, it's science. Besides, they’re filthy hookers. Make them sleep in the garage, or the attic. And, if you have a dog house, that will also work.
4. Lots of those cool lights that you can stick on the wall in closets, and press to turn on. Assuming you turned your flashlight into some form of a samurai sword like me; these lights will provide a sexy and elegant ambiance when no power remains. They can also double as ninja Frisbees.
5. Seasons 1 and 2 of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. That’s just a good fucking show, what else can I say?
6. Food. I’m not talking about your typical canned goods, and stuff that’s easy to make. I want giant slabs of red meat, and as much sausage (no homo) as humanly possible. I don’t care if I have to use grandmas hair curlers as coal; I will make delicious steaks, and I will eat them.
7. Elton John's Greatest Hits. What? What’s wrong with that? Look, if I’m going to perish; Your Song will be blaring in the background.
8. Paint. I just like to color shit.
9. Watch Home Alone as much as possible, and use every one of Kevin’s tricks if looters try to invade. The looters will most definitely not be as smart as the Sticky Bandits (formerly the Wet Bandits), so it should be simple to cover them with paint and feathers, and shit.
10. An alligator float, and maybe a flamingo. While others are forced to wade through the flood waters and subject themselves to dysentery and the likes; you will be floating comfortably, and looking fucking good, too.
I wish all of you the best of luck this Hurricane Season. Surviving is a choice, so make the right one. La paix, mes amis.
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